In Search Of Mike Roselle By Josh Mahan Words on Conrad Burns' bribery

Floyd and I caught up on the latest Missoula gossip. I told him about how Lowbagger had its most successful month in history. We both waxed shiny thoughts about what a wonderful readership the site has. And we both commiserated on our inability to reach The Man Without A Bio-Region, Mr. Mike Roselle. Rumored to be bound for some Blue State safe-haven, he had vanished from town without a trace.

Things got a bit too Red for Mike here in Montana. It was hunting season, you see. A time when testosterone levels across the state spike as men-folk give up sleep, and instead slather the scent of elk piss on their bodies to stalk steep, frontier, snow country. Mike was already upset that he can’t find a week-day version of the New York Times in Missoula. Then the wool-panted army began to distract him during cocktail hour. We could almost see the cosmopolitan reflection of San Francisco’s high-rises, and Portland’s gray skies in the blue of Mike’s eyes. Then one day the Camino was gone. See-ya.

Mike did miss some fabulous late-season hunting. When I mention hunting I hope it’s not misunderstood. I’m talking about ethical backcountry hunting. We shouldn’t have to distinguish a difference. There should only be off-road hunting. But there is a segment of rifle-toters that prefer to sit in a truck, cruise dirt roads, and fire at wildlife with their seat heaters on. We call these callow, double-chinned bubbas Slob Hunters.

A true hunter seeks an animal on its own ground, grunting up snowy side-hills, searching for the perfect moment; followed by plenty of time to think about what she’s done as she hauls the respective animal out for sometimes days. When a hunter is out on those terms, he or she is participating in a primitive North American tradition – one you can feel. Many hunts of this caliber won’t produce game. But that’s all right. A backcountry hunter is happy enough to merely watch twilight fade to starlight while nursing a shin splint. Here at Lowbagger we’re calling for a reform to contemporary hunting regulations. All shots must be taken 100 feet from a road. Fewer animals will be taken, leading to longer more liberal seasons and a truer sense of the activity. Exceptions are the rule, of course, for folks with disabilities.

Also let us not confuse Yellowstone National Park’s canned bison shoot as a hunt either. 17 bison have been shot down as weather forces them from the National Park in search of food. A canned shoot is not the answer for Montana’s need to acquire critical winter habitat for its buffalo. After that feat is tackled a legitimate hunt isn’t out of the question. Give the bison a place away from cows where they can do their primitive thing.

Speaking of canned hunts, Missoula played host to yet another canned media event by a public official. This time Montana Senator Conrad Burns decided to pick Missoula as the setting of a statewide meeting to gripe about conservation end runs on federal forest policies. Specifically he’s upset with the roadless rule. I doubt that he has ever been away from a road for more than a half-hour. To say that Burns doesn’t understand the value of roadless areas is an understatement. During the course of the event Burns likened Montana’s complex forest lands to an Iowa cornfield.

As if statements like that weren’t shameful enough, Conrad has shamed Montana further by accepting bribes from lobbyist Jack Abramoff for his senatorial vote. Though much of this story is coming to light for the first time in the newspapers, it’s been well-known for decades to any politically-savvy Montanan that Burns is as corrupt as a June day is long. It seemed that he would never get busted, as he garnered more power and swagger in the Senate. Many senators from states rich in natural resources do good business when it comes to receiving campaign contributions from industry in turn for favorable votes. Ahem, Montana Democrat Max Baucus!

Conrad has taken it a step further, though, and is accused of taking money to vote for Native American education. That’s down right crooked and unscrupulous. In 2003, Burns helped the Saginaw Chippewa tribe in Michigan, a client of Abramoff, obtain a $3 million congressional grant to build a school. Consequently the Saginaw tribe is one of the wealthiest due to casino profits. Burns received $136,500 from Abramoff’s tribal clients since 2001, according to a Bloomberg News database.

Hey Conrad, let’s see you do something for Montana’s tribes just because it’s your job to represent them. It’s time to strip these legislators of their fancy bank accounts, and bloated campaign budgets. Pay them the median-American salary, and let these fat cats live in the same world that the taxpayers do. Maybe Conrad can sell some of those big, brass spittoons in his over-sized D.C. office to pay for his legal fees. That is after he gets out of jail.

Josh Mahan is serious about severely cutting the salary of those clowns in Washington.