I Never Went Back To Key West By Mike Roselle

Another group of people we have not yet received angry letters from are homosexuals. If you are homosexual, you know what I’m talking about. This is a family web site, so if you don’t know what I’m talking about, I’m not going to explain it to you. Nevertheless, today I will be talking about Gay Men. That’s because I don’t know anything about gay women, or as I refer to them, lesbians, because they do not hit on me as much. Well, actually they don’t hit on me at all, but I wish that some of them would.

A year ago I went on the Wild Missouri River to celebrate the anniversary of the Great Lewis and Clark expedition with a bunch of good looking homo’s. Before this, if I ever told you I had been on a river with a bunch of good-looking homos before, I would be lying. No kidding. I do not hang out with gay men, and all my gay men friends know this. I did not want to go on this river trip. I didn’t have time, as I was sitting by the phone waiting for important orders from my bosses at Greenpeace. The phone didn’t actually ring off the hook. It didn’t ring at all, and I was on the payroll. This is how it is sometimes at Greenpeace. 

So Wayne-O made me go on the river with a bunch of good-looking homos because he didn’t know how to act around homos or what they ate. Gia had told him that they were just like any other Lewis and Clark customers except that they pack fudge. She didn’t actually say that, but I knew what was going through Wayne-O’s mind, and he’s always been good to me. In the end, I agreed to go as long as no one was allowed to bring a camera. I have never hung out with gay men. This was my first time. I do not know anything about gay men.

I don’t know much about homos, but I do know a little bit about packing fudge. If you want to know more about it, you will not find out about it here. You will have to go to one of those pervert web sites. There are many. I had my fudge packed once when I was a young man and do not want to talk about it. It would take me back to those bad old days working as a dishwasher at the Pier House in Key West. Jimmy Buffet would often eat cheeseburgers off of the very plates that I had washed. I do not know whether Jimmy Buffet was gay or not, but everybody in the kitchen was. And in the dining room. And the hotel staff was, too. Pretty much everyone was gay, or seemed to be. At first I thought these gay people were hitting on me. Then I knew that they were.

After work we got half priced drinks at the bar until the crowd came in, and the price of drinks doubled so we’d go somewhere else. And then somewhere else. The last thing I can remember is having my fudge packed in the camper of an old Pickup Truck. He was my boss, he was twice my age, I was drunk, he was aggressive, he was bigger than me. This was considered normal behavior in Key West. I had no idea. I decided to get out of town with my girlfriend. We left town in a VW Van in 1975 and went to Jackson Hole, where we were told that there would be no gay people. They were wrong. At the Simpson House I had two gay roommates, one of them even a lesbian. To this day I will not order more than two drinks in a gay bar or sleep with big, hairy, drunken men in the camper of an old pickup truck. This whole episode has taught me that gays are wrong, and when it comes to sex, women are much better, especially lesbians. As for my former boss, he never calls, he never writes…

Tonight Josh and Mike plan to go to AmVet's and have more than two drinks.