The Lowbagger Philosophy A Work-in-Process By Uncle Ramon And proper food etiquette while Lowbagging

2 -- To encourage international resistance to work-for-pay, an odious concept, and

3 -- To sell T-shirts and bumper stickers, of course.

To accomplish this, I encourage any Lowbaggers (and critics) to submit their comments through Lowbagger.org. What our editors decide to print is up to them but I’ve been told that I’ll see every submission, sooner or later . (Probably later since your Uncle is leaving shortly for a six-month trek through the jungle of martini bars in Central America and will be communicating, mostly, via snail-mail and fax. Your Uncle hates those dank and dreary Internet cafes.)

One way to organize this process, methinks, is to set up “What We Are” and “What We Aren’t” categories. Let’s get started, shall we?

What Lowbaggers Are

1 --    Unemployed, marginally employed, or, at least, off-the-grid

2 --    Happy with (1), above

3 --    Desirous of maintaining (1) and (2), above

What Lowbaggers Aren’t

1 --    Hippies

2 --   Republicans

3 --   Democrats

Are we straying off the same page yet? Well, let’s try to push the envelope a bit; you know....think outside the Bronx.

What Lowbaggers Aren’t

1 --    Violent. (Please, please, please let’s not get into the standard and endless debate about that particular adjective. You know what I mean. If you don’t, go to smashthestate.pow or maybe, gawd forbid, read some books on the subject and get back to me in, say, 20 years or so.)

What Lowbaggers Are

1 --    Sexy

I’ve finally gotten your attention, eh? Well, plug in, submit your best bombast and rhetoric, and stay tuned…

Food

Food, generally speaking, is a good thing. Without it, for example, there wouldn’t be any human wastes, right? And without wastes, there’d be no need for toilet paper, pulp mills, and loggers. And just where do you think we’d be if there were no loggers?

But I digress. We are supposed to be talking about food and, more specifically, how Lowbaggers go about getting some. First, let’s eliminate a few time-honored methods utilized by various societies during homosap’s history, to wit:

1 --    Grow it

2 --    Kill it

3 --   Buy it

We Lowbaggers know better, don’t we? There really are only two truly satisfactory ways of obtaining sustenance: you either…

1 --   Find it, or

2 --    Steal it

That’s it? That’s it. Here’s why. Let’s use a hypothetical situation, one you’ve either found yourself in or, in all probability, are currently in. You’ve been sleeping on someone’s (brother, sister, complete stranger) couch in their basement for weeks and you suspect they’re getting ready to toss you out on your ear. They get that “look” when they come home from something they call “work” and realize that, yes, you’re still there. (To paraphrase an old hippie joke, “How do you know a Lowbagger is sleeping in your house?” “He’s still there.”)

(Or she, of course.)

But what if the aroma of something delicious cooking on their stove was the first sensation that hit them as they opened the door? And what if that “something” was garlic and onion simmering in olive oil? Believe me, you’re home free (until your recipes run out. If you know how to cook seven dishes you can easily hang around for another month before they start getting that look again.)

So, please feel free to submit recipes for publication. They should share a few important characteristics such as:

1 --  The ingredients should be hugely expensive. Nothing but the best for your hosts, eh? (If they haven’t yet loaned you their credit cards, just run a tab at the local gourmet market. Yes, you can tip the delivery-person…just add it to the bill.)

2 --  The recipes should be complicated and time-consuming. What, you have something better to do all day?

3 --  They should always begin by simmering some garlic and onion in olive oil. I don’t care if you’re actually planning to serve hot fudge sundaes; aroma is king.

4 -- A mess must be made. That way you can make a great impression on your hosts as you bang around cleaning up afterward. After aroma (see “C”, above), busywork is king. It’s what your hosts do all the live-long day at their place of “work” and they’ll be smugly gratified to see you doing it too.

And that’s that, for the nonce. Time to get something on the stove.

Your Uncle Ramon is in spring training conducting research on martini prices.