This is the Real McCoy Roselle explains why he is not a cowboy. By Mike Roselle

I have to say something about Hillbillies. I am not one of them. I am from Louisville, Kentucky. That’s right, a flatlander. I am from the West End. Trash. But, I am not a Hillbilly. My Grandmother was a Hillbilly who made Whiskey in a Seagram’s distillery in Louisville while the male workers were getting their asses shot off in World War II, The Sequel. I have ridden on a horse. I’ve worked on a ranch, as a hunting guide, and on an oil derrick. I hung out at the Cowboy bar, and even slept with a Cowgirl. But I was never a Cowboy. Every Hippie in Jackson had done the same long before I arrived there in 1975. However, dressing like a Cowboy got me laid the first time I tried it in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. And it would have too in San Francisco, if I was Gay. I am not. I am from Louisville, so I’m not even a Southerner. Although, we talk like them and fry everything before we eat it. They don’t do that in Indiana, those Hoosiers. I am also not a Hippie, although I try to be. I am too much of a Redneck, although the Rednecks think I am too much of a Hippy. Like I said, I was not a Hippy. I was a Yippie. Or more properly, a  Zippy. But that was before we kicked Abbey Hoffman out of the Yippies and started the Zippies. Got that straight? Well neither do I.Just because I am not a Hillbilly, and wasn’t allowed to talk to them when they moved in next door, which they always did, does not mean I do not know any Hillbillies. You can’t  call a Hillbilly a Hillbilly, unless you are a Hillbilly. I call them Hillbillies because I from Louisville and they kept moving in next door, and that’s what everybody called them. We were Trash, and therefore they were on our turf. We called them Country. They called us Trash. Our sense of superiority over each other was not backed up by any strong DNA evidence. The only thing we both agreed on was that we were both better than Black people, who also kept moving in next door to us. Turns out we were wrong. That’s what was like growing up in Louisville.

Since Hillbillies are so elitist because they think you should be from the Southern Appalachians in order to be one. And since I am not a Hillbilly, although I sometimes say that I am because I am from Louisville, and people think I am a Hillbilly because I talk like a Southerner, when I am actually Trash, I choose to talk about Rednecks, because I’d be a Poser if I tried to talk about Hillbillies. I want to talk not about real Rednecks but, Poser Rednecks. I know a lot about Poser Rednecks because I am from Louisville and have to constantly tell people not to call me a Hillbilly because I am Trash. Rednecks have trucks. Trash have Hot Rods. But the Hot Rods usually don’t run because they have no engine. If a Redneck had a Hot Rod, not only would it have an engine, it would be running. And if it stopped running for any reason, a Redneck could fix it, even a woman Redneck. Even the lesbian Rednecks, the Black Lesbian Rednecks, and especially the Black Lesbian Hillbilly Rednecks could fix it. Are you still following me? What I am saying is that I have been a Redneck Poser all my life because I was from the West End of Louisville, Kentucky before the Gay people moved in and drove the rents up, therefore driving both the Hillbillies and the Trash out. Are you still with me? Hunter S. Thompson was from not from Louisville. He was from Shively, right to the south. He wasn’t even from Shively, because he was from St. Dennis, which actually was in Louisville, but not really. Cassius Clay, a fellow West Ender, is the only person from Louisville who is not a Poser, except now his name is Muhammad Ali and he still claims that he was the best boxer of all time.

So as I was saying, I know these nice Appalachian American people in West Virginia who need your help in their efforts to stop Mountain Top Removal. If you want to meet real Hillbillies, then you must think about coming out to Mountain Justice Summer, because they will need you down there in May. If enough of you Poser Lowbaggers show up, Judy Bonds of Coal River Mountain Watch might allow me to call myself a Hillbilly. She already lets Randy Hayes call himself a Hillbilly, even though he grew up in Florida and was born in Ohio. Talk about a Poser. He, too, will be at Mountain Justice Summer, posing as a Hillbilly, even though he is a San Francisco Hippie who now lives in Mill Valley.

Mike Roselle will continue to dismantle the timbers of identity politics on Lowbagger, as soon as he figures out what he is.  

Visit the link below for information about a rally and free concert to announce the official kickoff of Mountain Justice Summer. Takes place March 31 at the state capitol building in Charleston, West Virginia. www.mountainjusticesummer.org