Rich People By Mike Roselle

My Friend Andre, while not actually rich, has more money than God. And I only say that because he has asked me why I hadn’t written anything about him even though I was often Lowbagging on his couch. What does a guy have to do? But generally speaking, Lowbaggers never introduce their rich friends to other Lowbaggers. I didn’t want a bunch of people showing up and blowing a good scene. But in Andre’s case there has been a well-worn Lowbagger path from all over the planet that has led straight to his couch.  His generosity is legendary. His philanthropy unsurpassed in his zip code. His reputation as a staunch activists and scholar unchallenged, exceeded only by his skill as a musician and songwriter.

Now that I have gotten that out of the way I want to talk about something rich people never want to talk about. Money. Money is like sex; some people have a lot more of it than other people. You cannot buy happiness without money. The happiest times I remember was back when I was poor and somebody gave me some money. I remember how sad I was when I had spent it all. Anyway, you can’t do much in the environmental movement without money. To get money you either have to get it from hundreds of poor people, or suck up to rich people. Or people who handle the rich people’s money. I am very bad with rich people and that is why Andre never gives me any money. We have had a solid friendship over the years not based on money. I hope to change that someday, but at least now I still have a place to stay in Berkeley.

Speaking of money, Josh is bugging me about raising money. According to Ron Arnold of the Activists Cash.com website, I have raised millions of dollars for all sorts of environmental groups around the world for activities ranging from building homes for orphans and buying nuclear bazookas for the Cascadian’s. Josh wonders why if I can do all of that why I can’t chip in more on the office rent. Anyway, that is the reason for this day’s column. So I will make it short. Send us a hundred dollars now. If you are not rich, send a hundred dollars when you get tax return. If you don’t pay taxes, just send us a hundred dollar bill. If you are interested contact that guy who keeps the office warm, our fine editor Josh Mahan. I want you to make a check out to him and send it to P.O. Box 8751, Missoula, Montana, 59807. If we get a thousand dollars we are going to use it to open a bank account, get someone to help us gain non-profit status and print more stickers. After that, we can cash checks to Lowbagger or take your money online.

We have also been besieged with orders for Lowbagger Coffee Mugs. We will have some made. We will merchandise! Let us know if you want one. Anyway, that’s pretty much our fundraising strategy for this year. Otherwise I will have to write grants, which I can do. I have an almost perfect record. Except for the Turner Foundation every other grant request I have submitted to an environmental grant making foundation has been turned down. Ted only signed off because it was at the bottom of a stack of grant requests submitted right before the Board of Directors adjourned for dinner. I do much better with rich people.

If any of you out there have any ideas on how we can raise money in a cost effective and ethical way send us a hundred dollars and we will do it. Again send that money to Josh Mahan,
P.O. Box 8751, MIssoula,  Montana, 59807.

Happy New Year.